Sick, Tired...Enough!!!

As i am landed in this now, my current situation, who is there to blame?? no one!! absolutely no one.. why i came to Penang?? many would have asked since i liked my course so much in Riam, miri and is the course which i have chosen my own, based on my own discretion... why i changed?? why i came to USM, PenaNG??Trying to be strong is certainly hard, but still i try... i am also only jus an odrinary human... an approaching 20yrs old person.. not anyone extraordinary... Coming to USM is merely jus 'ok lah, since my parents wants me to come so much, since they have high hopes in me, i also want them to be able to attend convocation in 3 yrs time in a local uni.. so give it a try..." a degree is better than a advanced diploma... i used to say ppl studyin computer science is someone who don noes wad is behind the scences, how is its future... wad it involves in work... or even what is it all about.. and here i am, landed myseld in USM.. for sure, when people ask, u sure o not.. still remembering wee khee and arden asked me during lunch in lundu, u sure o not? u sure is this wad u wan?? to be frank, i came here not cos i have interest in it.. i might be good in application programs, but not studying the functionality of a coomputer, logic codes, Boolean algebra, C++ and the worst part of it, DIscrete Mathematics.. what is this 2006????!!! i am the first one to go study.. 1 January, where all my stpM mates are there, back in kuching, enjoying their hols.. i never regreted... for studying in Riam.. have quite sometime adapting to study life... finally adapted, doin pretty fine with it.. there comes the result of uni application.. if i had not came here.. i will be shining in RIam.. as i know i will...but hell...though its really too late to say this kinda thing now.. going back to Riam after all this?? do anyone ever think of how i feel?? how much courage i have to take out to make the decision of discontinuing USM and now ask me go back to RIam??? everyone wil be asking?? what are u doin?? tat kinda view really makes me feels bad.. John Wong may say i can go back with the 3 distinction i have got.. but hell.. what he knows?? he noes $$$ only for me.. he is not teaching.. i missed automatic transmission ard... a major part in a vehicle.. involving fluid controls which is something that need explanation, time to understand.. another thing is German... missing 2 months in a foreign language course is something u cant jus go back in sit back in the same batch... i don have that confidence to catch back everything even if i go back to Riam immediately after leavin USM.. ah!!! shit la.. wad is all these??? what the fuck la.. really making me sick and tired... who i am??? chameleon ah?? can adapt to here and there meh??changin here and there... Miri-Penang-Miri??? hell... what is this?? something funny?? maiku... siaw ah>>> what am i doin??? stupid...really stupid... really very sick and tired of all these hell dy...enough man... i wont wanna be influenced by anyone this time... enough... stop flooding me with all the info, comments!! i wanna think myself... i had been such an stupid 'obedient' boy.. following each and every will... without asking myself..Is this wad i want?? give it a try, who knows?? is my motto before... no more!! enough.. enough of trying!! enough!! REALLY tired... tired...i wont jus die off here... its not the end.... really sorry, i don mean to blame my parents here... i noe that they are jus worried bout me, care bout me... wanting to give me the best... but hey.... let me have my own space can?? i have been so protected since i was borned to this world.. over somehow... till i feel that i am someone whom is very funny behaving, topics that my peers talk bout is something that seems so alien to me...wad i noe?? fire drills?? HSSE?? i am glad i noe all those.. but i do wan a life of an ordinary teenager also... make my own decision... i am grateful and certainly thankful for everything that mum and dad had given to me... but i think this time, its a good lesson... i think its a callin... a callin for me to do things, think of things on my own now... family love is good, it is unformidable... everyone needs it... and i am grateful, thankful to be blessed with such a loving parents... i want a break this time... really a break... really need to sit down and think properly wad i am going to do next step... work or study??
or study part time... goin back to Riam is something i dare not even think of, don have the courage to do it also for now... certainly i wont wanna join back in the middle of the semester like this... i noe h0w it feels to be lost in ur studies.. not knowing a single thing wad the lecturer is talking bout... same applies to automotive.. its easy when i can catch the jeese of it.. but going in i the middle like this will land me into the same thing here in USM... will be lost again... enough... going back next year?? see how first.. i wil have to make my stand firm this time... state it clearly.. my plan now is to go back, learn everything, every single thing of operation work in MS... management part as well... aiming for an 'A' for the coming PSP audits... tats my plan for now.. study?? really makes me afraid of it now... i have phobia in books dy...and even adapting to environment... tired...sick... all sorts of feeling...one thing i felt the most is that i have lost my self respect, respect from my friends.. their views on me... which i have built with time all these while.. everything is ruined with this incident... of course i might sound ok... wad to do?? someone teach me... wad to do?? can i say not ok?? even if i say not ok i have to carry on with life... so better make it ok rather than keep saying on not ok... i want to do something that i feel comfortable with this time... and think properly of the course i wanna take.. if there is... i used to look at my seniors whom have changed course in uni in a diff view before... and God knows it happens to me now... tell me, how can i accept this as if nothing has ever happened?? haiz..."hey calvin, hows life?"... "okok lor"... this is the phrase, the phrase we used to type in message, msn when keeping in touch with friends... In Miri, that okok is something that comes from fact... In penang, its something that i have to bear with... no use for me complanin now, regretting o even blaming ppl... things that are done cannot be undone.. I am 20 dy... i am really worried that i will be still a person not established by 27... really worried...worrying wont help... since this has happened... its wiser for me to plan, have a strategic plan for myself, rather than listening to ppl, take up courses and only to find out i cant do, dont like... be it work first, plan for course... tats my stand.. at least for the time being... worried, nervous, mad at myself, feeling foolish, a joke of myself, sad, sorry are all feelings that i have now with me...even till now i still cant really accept the fact that i am facing now... what situation i am in now... really like a piece of shit...hopeless piece of shit... high hopes, someone confident, strong, speaker of notes, high archiever are wad Ida used to say i am... ha.. really felt sorry bout it, funny, mad, lots more.. cant describe in words... those words i may feel matched me before...now?? wait til i get it back,, after proving i am one... worth those phrases.. Thank you everyone, friends, parents, all those that might have walked thru my life, leaving a footprint or not.. thank you.. no matter wad happen, i will be strong... jus its a change of strategy now... I still believe Victory Belongs to those who Believes in it the most and the Longest... I will hold on to that... God be with me this time...