The Hardest Decision I have ever made....

After asking myself, is this what i wan to do?? Can i cope?? which is the most important part of it.. asking myself for countless weeks, since it all started in USM, Penang when i was offered a degree course here, when i get to know what this course really does... after trying hard, trying different methods to try cope with the maths, finally i pour out all my feelings last night.. what i was thinking, what that i had been keeping to myself since it all started, to look jus ok from outside.. finally it burst... i cant carry on like this.. doing things blindly, without knowing its objective, knowing its logic behind.. how can a person have a lasting journey like this?? its like sailing in an open sea, hoping to find land without having a compass... only depending on the sun.. though we all know sun changes direction from east to west a day.. from sunrise to sunset... i dun wanna cheat myself anymore... i have to admit i am blessed with exam luck all these while.. from spm to stpm... 5c for addmx in spm and merely a C in stpm.. all is luck... ppl may say.. u pass wad.? i know myself more than anyone else i supposed.. i know how is my maths.. and in computer science, u cant jus forget bout the discrete mx part of it.. cos its interelated... even programmin in C++, putting problems into mathematical expression. i am really not someone to do maths... i know what i can do, what i cant do.. i have my own limitations.. and i have to admit tat and face the fact..i really have quite sometime thinking, trying not to accept the fact that i cant do tis course, maybe can, but not knowing the important part of it, its ethics, its purpose.. i don wanna do a course, jus for exams and for the piece of degree... tats self betrayal... i don wan that.. cant pass my ownself...cant do things blindly.. i may pass my maths exam.. cos its open book... but how long and how far can i survive in uni still remains a big question mark... a very uncertain future... and i am already 20 yrs of age this year.. haven even done anything significant, anything fruitful... whats life like this?? and to be in such a position, an uncertain future.. i really cant do it... i need to have a clear view of wad am i doin.. wads its prospect.. some might be wondering why i left Riam at the first place... since i am doin quite well there.. well, maybe thats God's will.. everything happen for a reason.. this year, particularly this year, 2006 till today has been quite a year for me... changes are tremendous, moving from a place to one, taking up course ppl dont, making decisions that are kinda weird.. changes that i have to adapt, thoughts and views of others, my parents, friends and many whom are concern have to be considered whenever i make a decision.. from going to Riam, which is solely my own decision, will, to leavin Riam, coming to Penang and now to give up computer science in USM, Penang is really very challenging for me... really test my adaptability, courage and also faith in God, which is the most important part of it... this year is really a very 'special and hectic yet funny' year for me... facing the fact that i cannot cope here and finally willing to accept it, accept my own limitations, finaly i poured out my thoughts, feelings and also views to my parents last night... emotions went uncontrolled till tears fell... i really felt very sorry for what i am, what i have did... decision i have made and the worst thing, to disappoint my parents high hopes on me.. I also do wan my parents to be proud of me, when i graduate in 3 yrs to come, when i am receiving my scroll on convocation day.. but, this is life i suppose.. things doesnt always turn out to be wad we wished it to be.. i have to accept the limitations i am with i don wan to get my degree jus for the sake of the degree... doing things blindly, studying blindly.. people like tat cant really excel in that field i supposed.. i might grad, might have to repeat courses... i know if i try, i can.. eventhough repeating few times.. but wads the point?? betting on something such uncertain?? enough for me!! enough!!.. tats really enough... so, make up my mind, packing my bags, leavin next sat back to kuching... will work for my dad.. something which i can handle well, and much more better than this course... and at the same time, see wad course am i going to do... i am going jus to take up something easy, go for it, finish it and tats it.. there is something much much more important for me to deal with back in kuching, rather than getting a degree.. an alinated degree.. a degree which i might get and have a feeling that i don really deserve it.. for the important thing i had jus mentioned, some might know what it is, some might not... but i would like to keep it to myself here.. don wish to mention it here.. Dont Judge a book by its cover.. a person might seems to be very strong, but actually they are very weak, fragile inside.. its really hard to be someone strong... someone whom everyone has confidence in.. someone whom everyone trusted so much.. its really hard.. hard to be someone strong...i don mean anything of anysense of giving up here.. Victory Belongs to those who believe in it the most and the longest..tats my believe all these while..Uni study isnt everything.. i still will gt on with life.. hoping to do the best in what i will be undertaking in jus a few weeks time... and i have much confidence that i will excel in it.. jus like when i was in Riam, miri...same kinda feeling.. and i trust my notion very well.. things that i have confidence in normally will jus turn out to be jus nice... to say that i am ok after making such a decision is really a big lie.. so many things, aspects to consider..things to worry bout, future to worry... my self respect.. everything.. might sound a bit down for sometime, but time will wash away everything i believe... to my parents, sorry that i have let u down... still remembering how happy dad was, treating all his friends at Joyous Shanghai, the gifts that i had received, for the reason i had been offered to uni, doin a degree.. and now, this is the fact, the hard fact that dad have to face... face all his friends... i noe it will surely be embarassing somehow...even now i also felt ashame for all the gifts that i had received.. but i want you to know, i am not born to fail, i am a high archeiver... i am born to suceed.. there is no failure in my dictionary.. cant do uni doesnt mean the end... i will prove myself to be someone useful, capable of doin big things... let time show it all... jus give me another 5 years... life will be different for u...i am also jus an ordinary human... i noe how it feels also... i also do feel disappointed for myself.. thank you both mum and dad for all the support these while, all the tolerance that u have with me... Revolution is going to become a reality for Min Soon now... jus wait n see.. i dont believe i m capable of doing nothing... No!! thanks a lot mum and dad.. and also to my friends... my pals, buddies, whom have been with me all these while.. thank you so much... really sorry for the shockin news.. disappointment that might pop up from ur hearts...sorry and thank you... and i would like to express my greatest gratitude to Ida, whom had been my ears all these while.. listening to both good and bad news especially since 2005... life will have been much more different without you i bet.. though u are jus a friend of mine.. a very special friend.. i do treasure u much.. very much... thanks for the bearing with me when i am down.. and sharing my joy with me.. thank you so much.. i really felt relieved everytime i share things with u.. be it good or bad.. thanks.. i think its no point for me expressing it here... words cant speak my feelings, thoughts.. i bet u noe wad i mean.. jus very grateful to be blessed with a friend like u... a blessing more than anything else.. each of us have their own way of life... get along with it well... Good luck, and God Bless you all!!.. will update soon... take care.. and to all my friends whom will be returning to Uni soon from kch, good luck, God Bless and God Speed.. may success always be with you guys..Stay Strong.. Nobody WalkS AloNe...